The Conjuring Sucks Ectoplasm

July 27, 2013 at 12:19 am (Uncategorized) (, )

Why oh why didn’t I listen to my friend Sean Smithson? He tried to warn me about “The Conjuring,” but I didn’t listen! And why not, you ask? Because I couldn’t resist a movie that starred both Vera Farmiga and Lili Tayler. I love them. (If you wonder why I love Lili, see “The Addiction” or “I Shot Andy Warhol.” If you wonder why I love Vera, see “Quid Pro Quo,” or her stunning and subtle work in “Bates Motel.”) Oh yeah, and Patrick Wilson is rilly cute.

Vera did a wonderful (if rather thankless) job as heroine (in reality professional bullshit artist) Lorraine Warren. Lili did a fine job as the bedeviled mother. In fact, because of her, I really enjoyed the last 15 minutes of the movie. I haven’t seen such a good possession since Jennifer Carpenter in “The Possession of Emily Rose.”

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You know all of those ads touting how freakin’ scary the movie is? Well, it may be scary if you’re 6 years old, or you’ve never seen a horror movie before in your life. I was never scared, creeped out, or even startled. (And yes, I do get creeped out. “Mama” did a great job of that.) The story was SO predictable that I almost fell asleep.

Then there’s the direction and cinematography. It was boring. Just plain old boring and uninspired. It was so white-bread that when they finally included a creative upside-down flip shot, it stuck out like a sore thumb.

And the movie was riddled with problems. What kind of problems? You name it, they had it. To name a few (minor spoilers ahead):

-If the “witch” was a young woman who’d just given birth when she died, and she’s possessed by a demon who either is or is named after Biblical hottie Bathsheba, why does she appear as a fugly old lady?

-THERE WAS A PUNCTUATION ERROR IN THE SUBTITLES! They displayed “…Warren’s house” when showing a picture of the WARRENS’ house. It’s only Warren’s house if you’re talking about a dude named Warren. BAH!!!

-“Annabelle the doll” is shown as a horrid, creepy-ass thing that nobody in their right minds would ever go near. The “real” Annabelle the doll is a freakin’ RAGGEDY ANN! Which brings us back to the fact that the Warrens are ridiculous bullshit artists…

-THERE WAS A PUNCTUATION ERROR IN THE SUBTITLES!

-If you had a museum’s worth of what you believed to be horrible cursed and/or demonically possessed objects, would you keep them in your home with your 5-year-old daughter? Yeah, me neither.

-THERE WAS A PUNCTUATION ERROR IN THE SUBTITLES!

-Years ago, Gene Siskel talked about what he called the “rule of 4” in horror movies. Basically, it meant that in lame horror movies, something startles or unnerves a character. You (the viewer) count slowly to 4. Then BOO! There’s a scare! You could set your watch on rule-of-4 scenes in this thing.

THERE WAS A… oh okay, I’ll shut up about it.

As I said, I did enjoy the last 15 minutes. It was a fine exorcism scene. But overall, “The Conjuring” was a total waste of time.

Oh well. At least the previews were good.

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Movie review (horror): “In the Spider’s Web” (2007)

December 7, 2010 at 2:20 am (horror, movies) (, )

¬†This movie sucks. It’s totally lame. I would have given it two stars, except for a few mitigating circumstances:

1. Lance Henricksen! YAAAY!
2. Lots and lots of exotic spiders. I love weird spiders.
3. Plastic spiders being lowered down on fishing line. That always cracks me up.
4. Some decent camera work
5. The set decoration was AWESOME. Somebody went absolutely WACKO on the fake spider webs. They were hella cool. @Erik Tavares, you might want to check it out just for the decor!

Here’s why it really deserved two stars:
1. Awful acting and whiny characters. I didn’t care if they lived or died.
2. Some of the most pathetic CG I’ve ever seen. My kids could do better with their webcam.
3. Flabby, thin plot.
4. Long, boring sequenes.

If you decide to watch just for fun, keep the FF button handy. You’ll need it. And if you want to see a GOOD spider movie, watch “Arachnaphobia” or “8 Legged Freaks.”

-TV-MA
-3 out of 5 stars (whaaaaaat, I have a crush on Lance)
-Only scary to arachnaphobics. My 10-year-old laughed like a loon at the plastic spiders.
Yesterday at 1:42am ·

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