Orion’s Birdemic Review!

February 13, 2013 at 9:00 pm (Uncategorized)

This is all my fault. I bet my 12-year-old 5 bucks he wouldn’t watch “Birdemic” all the way to the end. Then he asked me if I’d give him another 5 bucks if he reviewed it. Of course, I said! Sadly, I think the experience has driven him mad, as he seems to take leave of his senses by the end of the review. But here’s my favorite line: “So he talks about things that subtly amount to an environmental message. IF you spell “SUBTLY” with flaming letters while playing  an epic song.”

Without further ado, here’s O’s review.

So it starts with this scene with a car. Really, it’s just a car driving down a road with a camera man whose hand is practically a GMod character with a thruster on it. Then the protagonist goes in this restaurant and the waitress says, really loudly I should add, “HI”. Nope, it shouldn’t have punctuation, she says it like a robot with a terrible sound chip.

Then he leaves after this girl and talks to her about him knowing her from somewhere. It doesn’t really matter though. So our protagonist is talking to someone and yells “WOOHOO!” Then some guy comes in and asks him “what’s withith all the noise”. No, I didn’t mistype that. He really says withith. Our main guy says he “caught the big fish,” which is 1 million dollars. He doesn’t sound excited at all when he says it though. 1 million dollars? Yeah, happens all the time on the way to work.

So a bunch of boring stuff happens with solar panels and then there’s this scene where everyone claps and when they’re about to stop they terribly edit in more clapping! Who directs this stuff, Mimmy from No More Heroes 2? So then this guy talks about cars and stuff. Whatever.  NEXT.

They try romance, but the actors in Devil May Cry are better than THIS. They dance for 2 minutes and then sleep together, and when they wake up — is that — is that — BIRDS??? I thought they’d NEVER come, but they DID! There’s a swarm of TERRIBLY edited birds and they… DIVE BOMB? AND EXPLODE??? OK, I just noticed that these birds are almost EXACTLY like the Rakk from Borderlands!!! What’s next, Bird Hive? Also, these birds sound like the ant lions from Half-Life 2! What BIRDS sound like alien bug things?

These 4 people are teamed up with coat hangers! Forget crowbars, axes and any other iconic first person shooter melee weapon, coat hangers are where it’s at! Also, I’d like to draw attention to these birds and their horrible editing. They’re just flying in place and curling their wings! That’s not how birds fly! Then there’s some kids they save and they shoot some birds and stuff and they find an old guy on a bridge. No really, that’s what they said in the movie! So he talks about things that subtly amount to an environmental message. IF you spell SUBTLY with flaming letters while playing  an epic song.

So they go to a bus and try to save people but birds wind up exploding on them into acid. They melt, big deal, whatevs. They need gas for their car so they go into a store with a guy who isn’t understandable in the least bit. Apparently bird attacks made gas rare somehow and now it’s 100 dollars a gallon. So this cowboy comes and wants to buy gas but they need it. Then he pulls a gun and they sell him the gas, but he gets his neck sliced by a random bird and they… leave the gas behind? FFFFFFFFFFFFFIG NEWTONS.

Then they meet a tree hugger and he talks about beetles eating the trees. Yeah OK. So he hears a mountain lion and leaves and they run out of gas. GOOD JOB IDIOTS. They catch some fish and the kids don’t want them. The best acting in this comes from the kids ya know. So the little boy hurts his leg and they get back to their camp and kill some birds. Then the birds leave.

The best thing in this movie is the music; and I also noticed something… strange about this movie… Yeah, it’s a complete environmentalist driving around EVERYWHERE in a car. Good job. You are a horrible person. We weren’t even testing for that. That jumpsuit looks stupid on you. Anyway… the movie ended. YOU’RE THE BEST! AROUND! NOTHING’S EVER GONNA GET YOU DOWN!

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. holly said,

    hahaha oh O YOU’RE THE BEST! AROUND! NOTHING’S EVER GONNA GET YOU DOWN! gotta watch this movie!!

    • Orion V. Carver (or Mr. Fishcakes :D) said,

      It’s a really bad movie but if you must…
      Also I’m going to review Birdemic 2 when I can.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: