Movie review: (horror) “Blood Creek” (2009)

December 13, 2010 at 9:28 pm (horror, movies)

Joel Schumacher + zombie vampire Nazis = WTF??? This movie is yet more proof that a big budget doesn’t necessarily mean a quality product. Or even a product that doesn’t suck eggs at high velocity.

This is one of the most incoherent movies I’ve ever seen. It all starts out OK. A German family in 1936 West Virginia is asked to host a German “scholar” in their home, for which they’ll be paid. “Scholar” shows up, a sleek, good-looking young officer who is extremely interested in the runestone in their barn. And he can, um, raise budgies from the dead. Mkay?

Flash forward to where a responsible EMT’s brother, who’s been missing for two years, suddenly shows up, gives his bro a whole lot of guns, and drags him out to a farm–yes, that SAME FARM–where he’s been held prisoner.

Sooooo…the “scholar” wanted to be close to the runestone so he could discover the secret of eternal life. And he’s still alive, but he looks like something made out of chewing gum and old bacon. His host family, on the other hand, look exactly the same as they did almost 80 years ago. He’s kept them that way so they can tend to him. But if he can make them perfect and ageless, why does he look like something my dog coughed up? Oh never mind.

Here are just a few of the incredibly stupid contradictions and unexplained nuggets of BS in this movie:

-The host family has been keeping the Nazi zombie vampire prisoner all these years, but feeding him people so he doesn’t get too pissed.

-Nazi zombie vampire is kept out of their home by runes on all the doors and windows, but he can raise people and animals from the dead, which are immune to the runes.

-Nazi zompire is allergic to his own blood and it makes him hurl.

-He has an orgasm when you pound a chisel through his head. Ew.

-He wants to grow a third eye so he can “cross over.” What crossng over means is never explained.

-He can be warded off by the bones of his ancestors. Which he conveniently brought with him from Germany.

And so on. And so on. And so on. I’m making it sound a lot more entertaining than it really is. This movie is crap. There is one good scene, however. Fast-forward to the part where the Nazi zompire kills a horse. What follows is a full-on zombie horse assault on the house. Zombie horses iz cool. This movie is not.

-Rated R
-2 out of 5 stars
-Possibly OK for older teens with really low standards.

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